(15) NO THANK YOU - Part 3

Saadi’s stomach continued to lock down.  She knew, she knew without knowing, while knowing, not wanting to know.  Saadi hung up the phone and slowly walked from her office to the small room that held the copier machine and file cabinets.  Her co-worker, Lynn, was making a bunch of copies.  The singsong whir of the machine serenaded in the background.  The room felt tight just like the life force inside her body.  It took more work to breathe.  She was overwhelmed.  She had to speak to break the chokehold on her emotions.

“My best friend is getting ready to tell me that she’s sleeping with the person I am in love with.”  Saadi spoke softly not even hearing Lynn’s response, she just wanted to vomit the words to break their suffocating hold on her consciousness.  She half heard the encouragement Lynn gave her and prepared herself to leave.  She was getting ready to face something she would really rather run away from. It was all just a feeling but much too strong a feeling to disregard or deny.

Saadi met Luna on the corner by the waterfront.  You could see military and commercial ships in the wharf being repaired.  In fact there was a large cruise ship docked at the end of the street.  It was all white with a black Mickey Mouse logo on the top.

“Greetings Sista,” said Luna.

“Greetings” responded Saadi as they did the customary cheek-to-cheek hug, one on each side.

They turned and started walking towards the neighborhood close by.  They came up on large colonial homes with small manicured lawns.  The sounds of their footsteps stood out as they crossed the cobblestone street. They turned down a street lined with lavender crepe myrtles.  Their beauty irritated Saadi.  How dare they?   Didn’t they know what was going on?  Then the cobblestones began to grate on her nerves.  She usually loved the way they were always slightly slippery.  You had to walk-slide to maintain your balance.  Right now that was too much work.  It was taking an enormous amount of energy and focus to just hold a normal conversation. 

It didn’t take long for Luna to get to the point.  A month, a whole month they had been going out.  The same month she had not heard from him.  Since that last phone call that Saadi had thought was such a victory, her fifth-month victory in her six-month No-Sex campaign.

“I told him he should tell you.”  Luna pressed.

“NO, You should tell me.  You are my old friend.  He is my new friend.  We are sistas.  Aren’t we sistas?”

Words beat inside her head like a drum…

I should know.

     Why didn’t I know?

          What a fool-

               To think that he…

                    Would want me!

Luna continued to talk as they walked.  They were coming close to Saadi’s office. Saadi was trying to figure out how to get out of there, she needed to digest this information.  She felt like a computer that had frozen, she needed to crtl-alt-del. She started chanting inside.

Nam myoho renge kyo, nam myoho renge kyo, nam myoho renge kyo.

One of the local streetwalkers walked up.  She had a somewhat desperate look on her face. She asked Saadi for a ride home, she did not have enough money to even catch a bus.  Saadi had given her rides before on the way home.  She said yes, grateful for an excuse to leave. The three of them went to her car.  First Saadi gave Luna a ride back to her office and told her she would talk to her soon.  Then she gave the lady a ride home.  Afterwards she went home to think and cry and chant over and over and over again. After the first waves of shock wore off she talked to herself.  

It’s all good.  I am determined to claim a victory from this, no matter what.  There is a “lesson learned” here.  What is the lesson, this lesson that I never want to repeat, ever again in no other lifetime, including this one? This feels very old like it has happened before, almost like it’s a tape that loops replaying the same scene over and over. again.  “Karma neh?”  But this time, yes this time I determine, it will be the last.

It is better to know before sleeping.

Waiting may mean you never sleep.

Sleeping may mean you never wait and never know…

We all want to be happy,

And we do our best to obtain it.

Such a fleeting thing…

Happiness based on another person.

Saadi’s life went on.  She mourned her loss, but she was gratified at the closure.  The loyalty to the loc group was no longer necessary.  Her friendship with Luna had been dribbling to an end, now it was over.  Pretenses by either were no longer necessary; Malik had provided the needed exit.

Saadi still cared for him.  She would see him from time to time, even though she was sure Luna did not like it. They never had sex, never kissed intimately or even held hands outside of brutha-sista friendship demonstrations of affection. He was after all, her friend.  She explained it to Luna, as she understood it herself.

“Its two different issues, my relationship with you is not dependent on him and my relationship with him is not dependent on you.  He is my friend and he will continue to be my friend, just as you are Luna.”  Inside Saadi could see that before she and Luna’s relationship had been cracked, now it was broken.

Luna said, “I think we should all be friends and hang out together.”

Bullshit, thought Saadi, who’s she kidding, herself? 

Saadi had known her far too long. Saadi had no desire to hang out with them either.  To see Luna embrace him, to watch him look into her eyes intimately.

No-thank-you.

(6) SAADI's Vision Quest Pt 1: Continued

It had been a very long time since someone made Saadi feel this vortex of attraction, both spiritual and sexual all wrapped up together.  Her previous lover, Gavin, had been good and in fact they would make love for hours at a time but he was afraid to take it all the way.  He was afraid of the “spirit union”, so he put up his macho guard.  He didn’t allow her tongue in his mouth and he didn’t give head but he tongued her constantly and wanted head all the time! 

When their lovemaking left the realm of “how many positions can we master?” and entered the arena of Ying meets Yang he would stop and pull away.  At the first opportunity he would run away, physically leaving her as soon as possible.   Every once in a while he would slip up and stroll for a few moments in the “spirit union”.  Afterwards he would be awash with her energy, light headed, smiling, and staggering.  Once he even commented, “We went far out there this time.  We were walking among the stars.”  So she was certain he knew.  At least he could consider sex and mysticism before pulling away.  In Saadi’s experience most men would, get hard as a rock, stick it in, feel their pleasure, and spit, squirt, and then squeak and groan.  So Gavin was way ahead of most.  If he had only given it time to develop, their lovemaking could have discovered new dimensions but Gavin had issues with the way Saadi chose to practice her religious faith.  Saadi was Buddhist and that just wasn’t black enough for Gavin, or so he said.

Saadi felt Malik would be willing to venture into the abyss, into the edge of known lovemaking consciousness.  He was an artist.  He already had to step off for his work.  He sailed the sea, listened to the waters, watched the clouds flow by, and opened his heart and mind to the unfamiliar.  He seemed to embrace it, to need regular doses of it.  Yes, it seemed like a very long time since she had known someone like him, maybe in more than this lifetime. It scared and excited her.

I want to taste abut I’m afraid it will be my undoing.

”Undoing” was already happening in Saadi’s life.  It seemed the usual order of things no longer felt so. Up seemed down, in seemed out, what appeared conflicting maybe was in harmony.  Like when she chanted Nam myoho renge kyo, sometimes the most profound thing would happen. She would hear the rhythm of drums, African drums.  It felt ancient with the sound of the chant and the beat of the drum being one and the same, her voice a rhythmic instrument. 

How can this religion of Asian roots be African?  After all it was her African centered friends who ridiculed her the most about her religion.  They called her a sell out.  Their viewpoint was that if Saadi were to be true to the struggle for Black Liberation then she would need to give up her Buddhism.  Here she was hearing drums when she chanted, now if that isn’t a contradiction in terms.  

When she went to Japan to the head temple Saadi had seen priests drum on huge taiko drums while people chanted.  The priests looked so regal, so ancient sitting there drumming while the sounds of chanting swirled throughout the room, the drum supporting the chant Nam myoho renge kyo - Nam myoho renge kyo - Nam myoho renge kyo …

Yes, this is what I call an undoing. An undoing of the things I have been taught, separation of religion and culture; that each religion has its own root, its own culture, and never will they ever cross. I will pray on it, I will chant about it, chant to understand this puzzle. I sure don’t know anyone to ask about it. Each religion seemed to be so caught up in its own rhythm that it had no knowledge of any other’s.

Saadi had to find her own way.  She sensed there was the need for change. Her fear was that in doing so she might wind up isolating herself in her difference.

“Sista Saadi, guess what I just found today.” 

“What Malik?”

Artist:  Sharon Franklin aka Okra Stewdio

“Pictures from the Million Woman March.  I didn’t really know you but I remember seeing there. You were with the drummers and all those sistas dancin’. I can still see it, old ones, young ones, babies, it was like a scene out of the Motherland and there you were in the center of it playing a shekare and doing calls.

Saadi, was caught off guard.  She hadn’t even known Malik had seen her at the March.  He had been in a relationship with the matriarch of the Loc House and that sista was no one to mess with unless you wanted a whole lot of grief.  Anyway, Saadi had been dealing with Gavin. In fact the Million Woman March marked the end of their relationship. Saadi’s mind began to drift back to the event.  It had been very powerful.