(19) THE GATHERING by MINERVA ©2004

We are Warriors beat by beat

As we gather I&I

Come from B4 B4 

Ancient time  Long gone by.

Some with Dred Locs some with not 

Many colors hearts the same Jah Rastafari.

Chantin’ drummin’ 

Singin’ Praise 

To the most High

Burnin’ deep within’ our hearts 

the true Warriors cry 

JAH… Rastafari.

Called Jesus, Hesus, Jah, Jehovah, Yaweh, Allah, Dali Lama, Shiva…….…Ohmmmm

I & I  NAM MYO HO RENGE KYO.

Yet I &I mission’s the same 

One ascertainable goal.

That we get to the next step,

Yes JAH is our Warrior Cry 

Powerful our kanke, life force, that will never die.

You see WE form the helm 

Of this New Day,

WE be the ones who see clear,

Know our calling and proudly adhere,

To our mission our aim

For us this is NOT a game. 

Our weapons, 

Our lives, 

No not perfect, 

In-fact beautifully flawed. 

Yet the precise tools to accomplish 

This most righteous cause.

Are YOU one of us 

Of the I & I Clan?

Do YOU too hear the law of truth 

From which we take our warrior stance?

Are YOU part of this gathering? 

Do YOU hear the Warrior call?

Then get up!

Brutha Marley says 

Stand Up!

Give Praise 

To the Most High - 

Jah Rastafari Halie Selassie I

Peace  & Blessings

May you have a blessed life & year

(17) REALIZATIONS - Part 2

Nappy Locs by Gwendolyn Frazier

Malik began to explain about himself, he said his walls didn’t come down easily.  He found it very hard to trust people, especially women.  To him they always seemed to have hidden agendas.

“Here you are Sista trying to offer me help and I was ready to miss it altogether.”  He apologized and thanked Saadi for being concerned.

“Saadi you’re a good friend.”

Saadi was reminded how much she cared for him.  He talked about past relationships, women that hung on to him, not letting go, even after things were over.

Saadi thought, a woman angry over failed love is not a pleasant person to be around.

He didn’t want that to happen to them.  He wanted Saadi’s friendship.  It was important.

I wish I had the courage to ask, “ What is it about me?  What isn’t it about me?  Why can’t you be my lover?”

She didn’t ask anything.  She decided to wait to ask but she never got the chance, Malik went back out to sea for a long time and even when he returned she didn’t hear from him.  After a time she began to hear rumors that he had broken up with Luna.  Still he never called.  When she chanted he was still strong in her heart even though her brain kept trying to talk her out of it.

She wanted to try again.  I need to do something drastic. Saadi started working on a seduction card.  She pulled together images from their conversations, added colors, used some double meaninged floral phallics, a few key words and the card was near completion. 

She was putting on the final touches one Sunday evening when her mom dropped by.  This was a rare occasion.  Saadi took advantage of the time and they went out and sat on the front porch.  They laughed and giggled enjoying Sunday afternoon chitchat and gossip.  After a while the mosquitoes ran them inside.  It was just turning twilight, that purplish time when margins and images become slightly indiscernible.

The doorbell rang.  When Saadi went to the door Luna was standing there.  Saadi could only vaguely see the scowl on her face but she could feel Luna’s vehemence with all her fibers.  A voice inside told her not to open the screen door.  Luna called out and threatened her.  She spoke between gritted teeth, almost hissing.

“He belongs to me.  Leave him alone.  You cause bacchanal!”

Saadi’s last talk with Malik had been months ago.  Why was Luna up on her porch, up in her face wantin’ to get into somethin’?  For a moment Saadi’s mind went to the card she was working on. Luna couldn't have known about that.

“Luna I am not coming out there.  I don’t know what you’re upset about but you are definitely at the wrong door.”

“He belongs to me and you can’t have him,”  Luna glowered.

“I haven’t spoken to Malik in a long time.  I suggest you leave.”  Saadi spoke quietly but with force.  She didn’t want her mother to hear.

Her mother called out, “Saadi, is everything alright?”

When Luna heard Saadi’s mother, she stormed off the porch, she turned around on the steps and threw spears with her eyes, then she went to stand in the middle of the street. Saadi stood calm but firm.

“No Ma, nothing is wrong.  Everything is just fine.”  She said it loud enough so Luna would see she had no fear in her voice.  Her adrenaline was pumping.

Luna went to the car grabbed the door handle.  She looked like she would tear the door from its hinges.  “You fuckin’ whore,” she screamed.  Then she jumped in the car, slammed the door and screeched off just as the last moment of twilight gave way to darkness.

Saadi’s heart was racing but she still managed a chuckle, Fuckin’ Whore?  Excuse me!  Who did the fuckin’?  Okay, we love the same man.  To the victor go the spoils. Why you sweatin’ me?”

Saadi had never begrudged Luna for Malik choosing her.  Saadi knew Luna seduced him but she didn’t rape him.  He walked in willfully.  He made his choice.  However, Saadi also felt the life connection she and Malik had would outlast what she felt was their physical lust.  Then again there was always the possibility that he was in love with Luna and not Saadi.  But Saadi saw fear in Luna’s eyes.

He must have left her, hinted at leaving her?  Whatever had gone down between them Luna should not have taken it out on me.  Friends don’t do that to each other.  Not what Luna had done in the past with all the disrespect and not what she was doing right now.  Not friends, not sistas, not over a man!

I have been set free.  Maybe that is what Luna really wanted too and this was the only way she knew how to clear the slate between us.  Maybe I’m having more of an impact on Malik than I realized.  I’ll put the seduction card away for now.  I’ll wait.  The time is not right.  I will let them finish first.

Saadi’s mother brought her back, “Well, I am shocked, I never knew Luna could act like that.  She always seemed so quiet and soft spoken.”

“Well Ma, that was how she acted around you, that wasn’t the case with everyone else.  It appears that right now she’s very angry and apparently she’s angry with me, justified or not.  However, I haven’t seen or spoken to Malik for months.”  Not since the day they talked about her having the dreams about him.

“Maybe you need to leave this Malik alone?”

“No Ma, nobody’s going to chase me away from anywhere or anyone.  I leave when I’m good and ready to leave, not when someone tells me to go.”

Saadi thought about the seduction card that she was making for Malik. 

What Luna did was actually encouraging.  She said I need to stop messing up her relationship.  She said Malik belonged to her.  Something is definitely going on.  I wonder what sup?

Each day she chanted for his protection.  She heard he went to South Africa.  He had called Brutha Ibram.  Brutha Ibram thought it somewhat odd and wondered why he called.  It seems their conversation lost its connection right when he started to tell why he was calling.  Bruth Ibram asked Saadi if she knew why Malik had called. She could only guess, part of her hoping it was somehow connected to her.

Saadi knew that she still wanted to hear from him.  She still wanted to make love to him, to release some of the energy clogging her centers.  Release some of the tension from her stringent vision quest.  Most of all, she wanted to wish him well and hoped that he had not given up on his own quest to make his artwork his life work.  Maybe their life lesson, karmic exchange, had already been played out. Rumors abounded of his situation especially with Luna. It is better to leave rumors to rumors.

He was still in her prayers. Saadi went out to a pier off the waterfront in the neighborhood where Malik grew up.  They had spent time out there talking.  She stood on the pier looking out over the water.  She knew he was out there somewhere. He was still in her prayers, Nam myoho renge kyo, Nam myoho renge kyo, Nam myoho renge kyo.

Saadi had to turn her attention forward.  This stage of her vision quest had coincided with meeting Malik.  It had been a strict lesson.

I lost some excess baggage in the process and I was able to confront some of my fears, fear of close relationships with men and women, fear of losing myself in another person’s life, fear of being a person that gives up too soon when I really want something or someone, of not having the courage to fight for what I want or believe.


Realizations...

(16) REALIZATIONS

Months went by. Every once and a while Saadi would have a dream about Malik, she figured it was just withdrawals but the last two times he was in trouble.  She knew she might come off sounding like an obsessed woman and she felt a little foolish but she could not shake the vexation the dreams caused her, especially the two she had had the other night.

In one dream she was supposed to tell him something but every time she tried she couldn’t, Sistas stood in a line in-between her and him laughing and singing. Whenever she tried to speak to warn him they would just laugh and sing louder, so he couldn’t hear her. She was trying to tell him to chant Nam moho renge kyo.  In another dream he was having a party at his fancy new bigger place with lots of his new friends.  They looked like jet setters, models and rock stars, people from Hollywood.  Everyone was all throughout his house having a good time but when he came in the back door he was hiding sadness.  He was also hiding bruises, bruises on his face.

Saadi called Malik and told him she was having these dreams.  She felt there was trouble in his life and she wanted to help him.  She would pray with him if he wanted her to, he could chant or he could even do his prayers and she would chant, she just wanted to help him.  At first he put her off and then asked if she would come over.  He wanted to talk about it.  When Saadi told him what was in her dreams, the look on his face was one of distrust and uneasiness, like a wall or force field of energy slammed down in her face, blocking all communication. 

“Okay Malik, I just felt I had to let you know.  It was really bothering me.  Just be careful, watch your back.”

Malik walked her downstairs to her car. The day was nice with a warm southern moist and balmy breeze. 

I love this kind of breezy weather, moist and warm, like the fine sweat all over your body just as you finish making love.

Malik sat down on the curve, he seemed to want to linger. So Saadi leaned against her small compact old green car. He began to talk about what had happened. It seemed he had held a grudge against her from the first time he had asked her to “lay” with him.  Her “no” had sounded pompous, at least that was how he heard it.  As Saadi listened she wondered if she had contributed to his impression.

Maybe the dreams were really showing my being closed, I should have spoken up about my own fears and mistrusts. He didn’t remember what had happened just before he asked for sex.

She revisited that day and the incident in her head.  It had happened way before Luna broke the news about Malik being her lover.  She and Malik had only known each other about six months, not very long.  It was in early Fall and they were sitting on a bench in the City Park, surrounded by trees with leaves beginning to turn, yellows, golds, tans and browns.  A lot of people were in the nearby zoo but they were alone.  Saadi told him she cared for him but his response was that he wanted them to be friends.  He didn’t think there could be anything romantic between them. Apparently he had not long ago come out of a relationship that had been in existence for many years.  It had taken a lot of effort to leave it and he did not want to jump right back into another relationship.  His tone sounded so final it felt like a guillotine.

I couldn’t even think. I had to leave just to get myself together, to shed my sadness.  I told him I had to go to the bathroom.  On the way from the bathroom I ventured into the zoo shop to give me more time to regain my composure, I didn’t want him to see my red eyes from crying. 

In the shop there were beautiful animal masks, tigers, lions, monkeys and cheetahs.  They looked so realistic. Halloween was in a few days so I bought Selm the cheetah masque.  It was very striking, like you were looking directly into the face of the animal. Selm loves cheetahs, they run so fast, just like him. Two Feet, thats what I call him, Two Feet.  He doesn't walk, he always runs.  All you ever see are those two feet running this way and that way, running somewhere, anywhere, everywhere. 

It was after I returned that Malik brought up sleeping together. 

When Saadi came back to the park bench she acted calm and never admitted she had been upset. They continued talking.  Malik said that he enjoyed their friendship and he didn’t see why they couldn’t enjoy sex with each other.  They were obviously attracted to each other.  Inside Saadi thought about what felt like the myriad of men that always approached her wanting unattached sex. Once again here was another man wanting the same thing.

It felt like I would never change this sex-object karma. So when I answered I’m sure I sounded pompous plus more.  We talked some more and then walked back to the Loc House.  When we arrived one of his old lovers was there.  He looked at me and whispered that he wished we had stayed in the park. But a few minutes later he left in her car. 


I thought we survived that difficult conversation and had continued building a good relationship.  In fact, I thought that once he saw that I was interested in him not just his body he would also be interested in me not just in my body. 

Now, here they were outside his apartment.  He was with someone else now, Luna, and Saadi's visit of concern seemed to have gone unappreciated. 

(15) NO THANK YOU - Part 3

Saadi’s stomach continued to lock down.  She knew, she knew without knowing, while knowing, not wanting to know.  Saadi hung up the phone and slowly walked from her office to the small room that held the copier machine and file cabinets.  Her co-worker, Lynn, was making a bunch of copies.  The singsong whir of the machine serenaded in the background.  The room felt tight just like the life force inside her body.  It took more work to breathe.  She was overwhelmed.  She had to speak to break the chokehold on her emotions.

“My best friend is getting ready to tell me that she’s sleeping with the person I am in love with.”  Saadi spoke softly not even hearing Lynn’s response, she just wanted to vomit the words to break their suffocating hold on her consciousness.  She half heard the encouragement Lynn gave her and prepared herself to leave.  She was getting ready to face something she would really rather run away from. It was all just a feeling but much too strong a feeling to disregard or deny.

Saadi met Luna on the corner by the waterfront.  You could see military and commercial ships in the wharf being repaired.  In fact there was a large cruise ship docked at the end of the street.  It was all white with a black Mickey Mouse logo on the top.

“Greetings Sista,” said Luna.

“Greetings” responded Saadi as they did the customary cheek-to-cheek hug, one on each side.

They turned and started walking towards the neighborhood close by.  They came up on large colonial homes with small manicured lawns.  The sounds of their footsteps stood out as they crossed the cobblestone street. They turned down a street lined with lavender crepe myrtles.  Their beauty irritated Saadi.  How dare they?   Didn’t they know what was going on?  Then the cobblestones began to grate on her nerves.  She usually loved the way they were always slightly slippery.  You had to walk-slide to maintain your balance.  Right now that was too much work.  It was taking an enormous amount of energy and focus to just hold a normal conversation. 

It didn’t take long for Luna to get to the point.  A month, a whole month they had been going out.  The same month she had not heard from him.  Since that last phone call that Saadi had thought was such a victory, her fifth-month victory in her six-month No-Sex campaign.

“I told him he should tell you.”  Luna pressed.

“NO, You should tell me.  You are my old friend.  He is my new friend.  We are sistas.  Aren’t we sistas?”

Words beat inside her head like a drum…

I should know.

     Why didn’t I know?

          What a fool-

               To think that he…

                    Would want me!

Luna continued to talk as they walked.  They were coming close to Saadi’s office. Saadi was trying to figure out how to get out of there, she needed to digest this information.  She felt like a computer that had frozen, she needed to crtl-alt-del. She started chanting inside.

Nam myoho renge kyo, nam myoho renge kyo, nam myoho renge kyo.

One of the local streetwalkers walked up.  She had a somewhat desperate look on her face. She asked Saadi for a ride home, she did not have enough money to even catch a bus.  Saadi had given her rides before on the way home.  She said yes, grateful for an excuse to leave. The three of them went to her car.  First Saadi gave Luna a ride back to her office and told her she would talk to her soon.  Then she gave the lady a ride home.  Afterwards she went home to think and cry and chant over and over and over again. After the first waves of shock wore off she talked to herself.  

It’s all good.  I am determined to claim a victory from this, no matter what.  There is a “lesson learned” here.  What is the lesson, this lesson that I never want to repeat, ever again in no other lifetime, including this one? This feels very old like it has happened before, almost like it’s a tape that loops replaying the same scene over and over. again.  “Karma neh?”  But this time, yes this time I determine, it will be the last.

It is better to know before sleeping.

Waiting may mean you never sleep.

Sleeping may mean you never wait and never know…

We all want to be happy,

And we do our best to obtain it.

Such a fleeting thing…

Happiness based on another person.

Saadi’s life went on.  She mourned her loss, but she was gratified at the closure.  The loyalty to the loc group was no longer necessary.  Her friendship with Luna had been dribbling to an end, now it was over.  Pretenses by either were no longer necessary; Malik had provided the needed exit.

Saadi still cared for him.  She would see him from time to time, even though she was sure Luna did not like it. They never had sex, never kissed intimately or even held hands outside of brutha-sista friendship demonstrations of affection. He was after all, her friend.  She explained it to Luna, as she understood it herself.

“Its two different issues, my relationship with you is not dependent on him and my relationship with him is not dependent on you.  He is my friend and he will continue to be my friend, just as you are Luna.”  Inside Saadi could see that before she and Luna’s relationship had been cracked, now it was broken.

Luna said, “I think we should all be friends and hang out together.”

Bullshit, thought Saadi, who’s she kidding, herself? 

Saadi had known her far too long. Saadi had no desire to hang out with them either.  To see Luna embrace him, to watch him look into her eyes intimately.

No-thank-you.

(14) NO THANK YOU - Part 2

Not long before Saadi moved back to Virginia she went to one of her weekly Buddhist meetings.  That evening there were some special guests, Japanese members visiting from Japan.  Nichiren Buddhism and the Soka Gakkai, its lay organization, was still so new in the United States that sometimes Japanese members would come from Japan to share their experiences.  They hoped to help Americans who were mostly raised Christian, Jewish, or Islamic to better understand the religion. 

At the meeting a middle aged man told the story of how he had lost absolutely everything, his business failed and he became poor and destitute.  He was encouraged to use his religious practice, chanting Nam myoho renge kyo, to pull himself out of hell and to build an even more magnificent life. He said he went through a very difficult process of human revolution. His faith and his life were tested but he never gave up. Now he had a very successful business, where he could take time to travel around the world, sharing his story about faith and victory practicing Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhism.

Saadi was sitting in the meeting struggling inside.  She had kept the news of her pregnancy from just about everyone, she had not even told her family.  She was in graduate school, the first one to go in her family. Saadi couldn’t bear to disappoint them, even though she was a grown independent woman. Plus things were not going well with Jon.  Maybe it was the look on her face that made the man peer deep into her eyes when he said, 


“When you go to hell use Nam myoho renge kyo to come out of hell.” 

The visitors had brought gifts from Japan, beautiful tokens, trinkets, and souvenirs, a lot of it handmade by the Japanese members.  The man gave Saadi a small fuchsia colored case about the size of a small mailing envelope to hold her prayer book and beads.  He encouraged her to never give up.  She also received a box with four little spoons inside.  Each had the name of a major Japanese city on its handle like Kyoto or Osaka.  Saadi decided to save those for the baby, considering them her first baby gifts.  She hoped one day she would be better able to understand the encouragement she received because at that moment she felt pretty discouraged.

Saadi graduated with honors, shared the pregnancy news with each member of her family and went through all the changes of relocating back with her parents.  Her father was really sick and had been for a few years now.  Taking care of him was wearing her mother out.  It was like their entire lives revolved around his illness, they were living with the only thing in site being his illness and death.  Saadi figured coming home might be good for all of them, having a new baby around would help bring some life into their discouraging situation and she would have her much needed support. 

Her pregnancy went well and the anticipation of a baby gave her parents something else to focus on. Saadi faced the showdown and told her mother she would not be marrying Jon.  Once her mom got through her misgivings about Saadi being an out-of-wedlock mother she got excited. When Selm was born new life breathed into the environment bringing more hope to her and her parents.

Now, they lived a six-hour drive from Jon and Saadi had foolishly assumed that when Jon saw Selm he would fall in love with him just as she had. Of course he would long to be around him.  Even if they were not going to marry they could still enjoy raising their son together. Jon saw Selm and Saadi was sure he loved him but it was in his own way.  Jon was not in Selm’s life very much, not like Saadi wanted; not physically, emotionally, or financially.  Saadi had to carry that burden alone. 

Now here she was with a chance at another relationship, a relationship that she really wanted.  She didn’t want anything to blow it.

Oh my gosh!

Saadi’s mind came back.  She had been holding her breath.

Oh goodness Selm called him Dad. 

"I'm sorry Malik, Selm thought it was his Dad calling."

Now, I know he will run for sure!

But instead he responded, 

“It was nice, I liked it.  I will call you tomorrow.”

Saadi exhaled, she felt a victory.  She was so happy, the six-month plan was working, she liked Malik a lot and it appeared he cared for her too.  Maybe giving up the dream of life in Jamaica, or the storybook dad she had hoped Jon would be; giving them up for single parenting and elder caregiving had all been worth it.  She had finally met that strong distinctive brutha she had long wanted at her side.

The next day she waited all day in anticipation for Malik to call.  She waited the next and the next and the next.  Days turned into weeks and she still heard no word.  Something was wrong she could feel it, a disruption in their connection.

She chanted, “Nam myoho renge kyo.”  

"Do I have the strength to know the truth?" Show me!

Saadi chanted like this for about a week, still waiting to hear from Malik.

It was time for Saadi and Luna’s monthly lunch date, which was pretty much the extent of their hangouts.  It was a hard truth to swallow realizing that if she didn’t seek out Luna she would not hear from her.  This was the hardest part of the Vision Quest, facing the truth.  Saadi dialed Luna's number.

“Hey, hey” the usual pleasantries.  Luna didn’t really want to go eat.  She wasn’t hungry.  She said that yesterday everyone from the Loc House had come to her place.  Someone had cooked her a meal and she had brought leftovers for lunch.

 

“Oh, who came?” 


Even as Saadi asked a voice inside questioned.  


Do I really want to know?  My stomach is getting a tight knot inside. 

“Let’s just meet and go walking,” Luna suggested.

(to be continued)

(5) SAADI'S QUEST: Vision Quest - Part I

VISION QUEST - Part I

http://Korakri.deviantart.com

She held her breath as she knocked on the door.  You had to knock loudly, since there was no outside intercom at the building.  Her breath came quicker, more shallow and rapid.  She stepped back and looked up through the door windows.  Her heart began beating faster now, her pulse increased.

I feel like I’m up on a ledge, a platform, a stage, a slave dock, up for review.  Courage girl, just look natural.

perfectlocks.com

Up at the top of the stairs a head appeared as long locs escaped, spilling, falling out into the hallway.  She caught her breath and felt her body respond.

There he is.  Oh please be glad that I’ve come.  If only I could see his eyes then I would know.  See them before a mask of second-handed politeness and pleasantness appears.  Calm down you can’t do anything about that.  He’s smiling and, oh my gosh, he’s coming down the stairs.

Even though it was Fall…why did they say “Fall,” did it descend from the high place of Summer, down through Fall into Winter, only to Spring once again to the heights of the Summer Sun’s warm return?  Is that what the Egyptians thought?  How can my mind be wandering like this?  Stop, Stop NOW!

Even though it was Fall he was wearing what she called the muscle man or wife beater T-shirt, the one that shows his shoulders and biceps.

“Sister Saadi, Greetings.”

“Greetings Brother Malik I came by to …” 

Whatever she said, it was an excuse.  She came to be around him, to smell him and feel his energy, or better said, to feel her energy when around him.  As he turned to go up the stairs she noticed the curve in the small of his back, a curve like the one in the back of the archer horseman, Sagittarius.  It curved into muscular hips, the hips of an athlete, of a man in touch with his body.

In touch with your body, in touch with your soul. 

www.bestmiamihairsalons.com 

There was a layer of sweat glistening all over his body.  The dampened T-shirt showed his muscles even more distinctly.  He turned and began walking back up the steep narrow stairs.  Saadi followed.

“I just came from running.  It was good.  It always helps to clear my head.  It sharpens my mind.”

As he spoke he scooped his locs that fell deep down his back, up onto his head.  His maneuver captured and entwined them simultaneously, the locs serving as the holder and the held.  Saadi as always stayed back at the foyer.

I must wait until he invites me in.  A man’s apartment, girl you are too much!

Even though she likened herself a “Renaissance Woman” strict southern upbringing periodically caught her off guard, especially when dealing with behavior under the heading of “lady like.” Here she was still rooted in the foyer by the door, all conflicted in roles, but she sure wasn’t going to back away, not now.

“Come in Sista, come on in,” Malik called from somewhere deep in the apartment.

As Saadi entered the room she saw artwork all over the floor.  Some huge pieces as tall as six feet and taller rested against the walls.  Pieces of the sea were all around her.  It felt like a haven.  For so long she had felt the absence of art and artists, people who, like herself, look at life using art as one of their primary lenses.  Whether with visual artists, performing artists, writers, creative creators, when she was among them she felt more at ease.  That was how she felt with Malik.  When she was around him she felt more at ease and at the same time more invigorated.

Saadi finally spoke, “So you have been working again.  These pieces are wonderful.”

"Nappy Locs" painting by Gwendolyn Frazier   

As Malik walked back into the room he began to talk about the difficulties and frustrations he was having with his work.  He wanted it to be seen by more people.  He wanted to make a living from  his love, his art, his calling.  He wanted to give up his regular job on the sea and have his art be his sole income. In fact he had recently quit his seaman’s job with that intention but his work was not selling. People were not willing to pay what he felt his work was worth. On top of that he was having what a writer would call “writer’s block”.  He brushed past her.  She felt an electric spark.  No, it was more of a wave, an invisible ripple that spread through her body, followed by a sensation like mint.  Mint on the edge of her senses, delicious.  

Oh gosh! I’m moist.  I wonder if he can smell it. Does he have any idea of the changes I go through just being around him?  I wish I could talk to him about this but I don’t know what to say or to ask.  Is this spiritual, sexual, just an emotional flush, or a sexual fantasy? Gurl, all women probably feel like this around him and as fine as he is probably some men do too!  Just look around him.  There’s always a line of drippin’ females.  Am I just another “bitch” in heat?

To be continued...

(4) Saadi's Quest: Poem - The Little Girl Inside

 The Little Girl Inside

A freedom story in three parts

PART (I) ONE

Theres a little girl trapped

inside of me
Afraid to come out
Afraid to live and breathe!
It was a long time ago when she

ran inside herself

to hide herself

from herself

She decided to be other than herself

being what they, you, and he wanted

her/me to be,

Believing you would then

love me

because the true me

that you can not see

I believed…

was not good enough

to be

loved by thee

So there's this little girl who hides inside

rides inside

and dies inside

a little each day

as she lies inside…

to herself, to you, to me

And over so many years through time

she played the chameleon game of MIME

Blaming each and all for the pain that binds

her heart inside

with her inside

the little girl inside

How can it be

that you are not

 in-love with me

said she?

Since I am the thing you wanted to see

not me

but the me

I could be…

The fantasy

of the woman…I thought

you wanted me

to be?

The little girl inside

began to quake

began to moan and groan

“Let me out! of this dungeon hole”

that binds my arms

and ties my soul’s legs

that takes my spirit and makes it dregs …

a shadow of

its/my former self

Her inner voice began to

vomit inside

from the person inside

the little girl inside

that use to lie inside

to herself and me/thee

“True dat” you see

Now each time the person that she played

could not be

held by she!

The little girl inside

could not lie inside

NO MORE

“LET ME OUT!!”

I want to live

I want to breathe

a life that’s lived.

This hiding place no longer

feels safe

In fact it kills my soul

a little each day

And with that cry

she chanted the warrior's call

The universe replied

with true friends – souls tall

the ones that allowed the

little girl to grow and purge

awkward at first

trying to stretch her new found legs

into the stride that she knew…

was her’s

Doubt demons surfaced

holding her former self

down to the ground

they battled round after round.

Each time she fought them,

the battle waged on, she

not willing to succumb

to what had become

a half-lived life.

Then came one…

He came close to her heart

but could she part?

with her familiar tools?

the CHAMELEON RULES?

Could she believe

could she sustain

the idea that she

was worthy to love

not to blame--

To be loved by this

spirit untamed??

Afraid to trust

in her new found heart

which had been

a part from her soul,

against her mind

she determined to climb

to love sublime.

Throughout –

the demon battle waged

she could not be caged

NO MORE!

Long arrows of doubt, seeking to pierce

her fierce

 new found

wings of freedom.

The little girl inside

who had hidden inside

This time decide—ed

to fight

with all her might

The battle with the greatest

demons of all…

her own.

And the untamed spirit?

When she looked into his eyes

beneath the superior warrior guise

was a child

deep inside of he

like she

Perhaps also wanting

to be free.

(Next post = Saadi approaches Malik)