(12) HICKIE

Artist:  Claire Lieberman

Saadi had stopped hanging regular with the loc people.  The last series of confrontations dealt with some business dealings.   A brutha presented a story to the Loc House that had him looking like an oppressed victim and the company Saadi worked for, looking like the demon oppressor.  He never shared any responsibility for the situation twisting many of the facts in his favor. To Saadi, his exaggerations approached lies. However, he had been around for a long time, she was new and on the fringe.  No matter what she might say or explain she knew she would be the considered the villain.  She had come to grips with her outsider status, too mainstream and therefore, in their minds, a sell out.

The hardest one to leave was Luna; they had been together since Saadi was pregnant years ago.  Bit by bit Saadi reduced her visits to the Loc House and to Luna’s.  The relationship felt lop-sided, they disagreed a lot.  Luna would get angry and start cussing and screaming.  She would start to talk down Buddhism. Saadi would only let that go so far.  She would call for an end to the discussion; they would have to agree to disagree.  Saadi was tired of the slander of her religion, to Saadi that was disrespecting to herself.  She wanted peace.  She searched for some general explanation to provide an exit from their relationship.  She didn’t dislike Luna, she loved Luna, Luna was her ideal.  For so long she had tried to be a Luna.  That was before she began her vision quest, which seemed to be undoing many relationships and things in her life. Maybe Luna felt Saadi was doing the same thing to her.  In any case their paths were growing apart.

The Loc House closed and Saadi’s work hours changed.  This was probably a good thing considering the long two hour lunches she and Luna kept taking.  She could have gotten fired! Saadi didn’t give Luna a long explanation.  She felt she had been hinting at it and leading up to this moment for a long. What she told Luna was the truth, it just lacked details, “I feel like I’m living outside myself. I need some time to myself.  I’m pulling back from everyone.  Please understand.”

They would still check-in with each other from time to time, updating each other on their six-month no-sex plan.  They would discuss the plan’s merits and pitfalls.  Saadi could hold, it had been a while since her last lover and Malik was the only one she was interested in, even though she kept that to herself.  Luna, on the other hand always had someone interested in her. She mentioned that there was someone, even now who kept asking her for a “sexual relationship”.  She was tempted but she said she was going to stay with the six-month no sex experiment.

“I’m still going to wait,” said Saadi.  I have to know that a man wants me for more than my pussy.  I’m not asking for marriage, just that he like me for who I really am.”

Saadi and Luna continued to drift apart.  After a while Saadi didn’t even think about her so much. It was comin’ up on the summer. There would be lots of Reggae Concerts held down on the waterfronts and harbors.  They saw each other often.  Luna would seem really happy to see her, acting quite chummy.

I guess she misses my company.

She even held Saadi’s hand.  Luna had never, ever, done that before, not since Saadi had known her.

Why she did she do that?  She hasn’t done that before. Well, at least she isn’t angry about the change in our relationship.  I know I am the one who’s changed.  I’m not running behind her like I used to.  I’m glad she can accept that and still be my friend.

Artist:  Claire Lieberman

“Greetings Sistas.”

“Greetings Malik.”

Wow there’s Malik. 

Saadi loved that he was at the concerts.  The concerts were always mostly white audiences.  American whites knew about life in the Caribbean long before American Blacks.  They start their vacations there at an early age.  They have fond memories of their island playgrounds.  For many of them the concerts were like being at spring break all over again. 

The few Blacks there were usually rebel souls coming to listen to conscious reggae music.  The regional loc community came out.  The place to stand was right at the front of the stage.  Everyone would go to the same side.  The white people would move out of the way because, face it, they were a little afraid.  They did not know whether or not these Blacks were the same as the ones in the islands. Not the ones that kiss up to the tourists but the ones that say, “Fuck you.  I don’t need you. I am happy without you.”

It would be packed in tight by the stage.  People would bring percussion instruments and play along with the music. Splifs would be passed around.  People were feeling ire, peaceful, proud and reggafied. At the loc concerts Saadi would seek out Malik, subtly she hoped. 

Oh, to press up against him in this crowd of people, close enough to smell our sweat mixed with his perfumed oils, to feel him swell against me and no one to know but him and me.  Fantasies – Fantasies!

It was the end of the fifth month and Saadi thought she had learned much about Malik.  They had talked about so many things…life, nature, politics, religion.  He even asked questions about her chanting. He wanted to better understand.  When he first found out Saadi chanted he cracked a joke about it but the next time he saw her he apologized, “Who am I to disrespect another man’s religion?”  That really warmed him to her heart, she was so used to being ridiculed. Saadi enjoyed his company so much.  Talking to someone, a man, who actually thought enough to listen to what she had to say was like salve to her soul. Even when he didn’t agree he was still respectful.  It was such a welcome change.

Deep inside though, Saadi still did not have the confidence that their relationship would last.  Maybe they would be good enough friends so that he would tell her why he would leave her.  Men always leave.  But at least if he did, he would leave before she just threw open her inner temple.  She would not open them before she had gained some wisdom.  This time she would learn something, she would have the courage to wait. This was very different from the way she had started most of the relationships in her life.  This time she would learn something, no matter what happened. 

“It’s all good”, as the loc people say, “It’s all good.”

Sometimes when he set and talked or read she would watch his lips, wondering how they would feel in a kiss.

What was he saying, something about being polite?  Is he talking about being polite with me?  Oh gosh it’s because I talk too much. Is he just talking about something in general or is he trying to tell me something?  Is there a double meaning here? Was that what this was, politeness?

It was a déjà vu, a shifting sands type moment as Saadi felt the walls begin to rumble, tumble, crumble. Something was not right, there was a dark mark on his neck. 

Damn it’s a “hickie. 

Saadi ran through the list of possibilities.  She flushed feeling the tears in the backs of her eyes.

But I remember him saying his queen had not come back and later he had said he felt she wasn’t for him.  Didn’t that mean he was ready to be with me, doesn’t he like me like that? What did I expect?  I’m not giving it up.  He’s a man.  Men fuck and that’s that.

Malik broke into her thoughts, talking.  Saadi felt a vast distance like in a dream. She felt the stirrings of a whirlpool, small but powerful.  A voice spoke inside,

“Don’t give up.  Don’t give in.  Not yet.  You don’t know.”

www.clairelieberman.com