(16) REALIZATIONS

Months went by. Every once and a while Saadi would have a dream about Malik, she figured it was just withdrawals but the last two times he was in trouble.  She knew she might come off sounding like an obsessed woman and she felt a little foolish but she could not shake the vexation the dreams caused her, especially the two she had had the other night.

In one dream she was supposed to tell him something but every time she tried she couldn’t, Sistas stood in a line in-between her and him laughing and singing. Whenever she tried to speak to warn him they would just laugh and sing louder, so he couldn’t hear her. She was trying to tell him to chant Nam moho renge kyo.  In another dream he was having a party at his fancy new bigger place with lots of his new friends.  They looked like jet setters, models and rock stars, people from Hollywood.  Everyone was all throughout his house having a good time but when he came in the back door he was hiding sadness.  He was also hiding bruises, bruises on his face.

Saadi called Malik and told him she was having these dreams.  She felt there was trouble in his life and she wanted to help him.  She would pray with him if he wanted her to, he could chant or he could even do his prayers and she would chant, she just wanted to help him.  At first he put her off and then asked if she would come over.  He wanted to talk about it.  When Saadi told him what was in her dreams, the look on his face was one of distrust and uneasiness, like a wall or force field of energy slammed down in her face, blocking all communication. 

“Okay Malik, I just felt I had to let you know.  It was really bothering me.  Just be careful, watch your back.”

Malik walked her downstairs to her car. The day was nice with a warm southern moist and balmy breeze. 

I love this kind of breezy weather, moist and warm, like the fine sweat all over your body just as you finish making love.

Malik sat down on the curve, he seemed to want to linger. So Saadi leaned against her small compact old green car. He began to talk about what had happened. It seemed he had held a grudge against her from the first time he had asked her to “lay” with him.  Her “no” had sounded pompous, at least that was how he heard it.  As Saadi listened she wondered if she had contributed to his impression.

Maybe the dreams were really showing my being closed, I should have spoken up about my own fears and mistrusts. He didn’t remember what had happened just before he asked for sex.

She revisited that day and the incident in her head.  It had happened way before Luna broke the news about Malik being her lover.  She and Malik had only known each other about six months, not very long.  It was in early Fall and they were sitting on a bench in the City Park, surrounded by trees with leaves beginning to turn, yellows, golds, tans and browns.  A lot of people were in the nearby zoo but they were alone.  Saadi told him she cared for him but his response was that he wanted them to be friends.  He didn’t think there could be anything romantic between them. Apparently he had not long ago come out of a relationship that had been in existence for many years.  It had taken a lot of effort to leave it and he did not want to jump right back into another relationship.  His tone sounded so final it felt like a guillotine.

I couldn’t even think. I had to leave just to get myself together, to shed my sadness.  I told him I had to go to the bathroom.  On the way from the bathroom I ventured into the zoo shop to give me more time to regain my composure, I didn’t want him to see my red eyes from crying. 

In the shop there were beautiful animal masks, tigers, lions, monkeys and cheetahs.  They looked so realistic. Halloween was in a few days so I bought Selm the cheetah masque.  It was very striking, like you were looking directly into the face of the animal. Selm loves cheetahs, they run so fast, just like him. Two Feet, thats what I call him, Two Feet.  He doesn't walk, he always runs.  All you ever see are those two feet running this way and that way, running somewhere, anywhere, everywhere. 

It was after I returned that Malik brought up sleeping together. 

When Saadi came back to the park bench she acted calm and never admitted she had been upset. They continued talking.  Malik said that he enjoyed their friendship and he didn’t see why they couldn’t enjoy sex with each other.  They were obviously attracted to each other.  Inside Saadi thought about what felt like the myriad of men that always approached her wanting unattached sex. Once again here was another man wanting the same thing.

It felt like I would never change this sex-object karma. So when I answered I’m sure I sounded pompous plus more.  We talked some more and then walked back to the Loc House.  When we arrived one of his old lovers was there.  He looked at me and whispered that he wished we had stayed in the park. But a few minutes later he left in her car. 


I thought we survived that difficult conversation and had continued building a good relationship.  In fact, I thought that once he saw that I was interested in him not just his body he would also be interested in me not just in my body. 

Now, here they were outside his apartment.  He was with someone else now, Luna, and Saadi's visit of concern seemed to have gone unappreciated.