(17) REALIZATIONS - Part 2

Nappy Locs by Gwendolyn Frazier

Malik began to explain about himself, he said his walls didn’t come down easily.  He found it very hard to trust people, especially women.  To him they always seemed to have hidden agendas.

“Here you are Sista trying to offer me help and I was ready to miss it altogether.”  He apologized and thanked Saadi for being concerned.

“Saadi you’re a good friend.”

Saadi was reminded how much she cared for him.  He talked about past relationships, women that hung on to him, not letting go, even after things were over.

Saadi thought, a woman angry over failed love is not a pleasant person to be around.

He didn’t want that to happen to them.  He wanted Saadi’s friendship.  It was important.

I wish I had the courage to ask, “ What is it about me?  What isn’t it about me?  Why can’t you be my lover?”

She didn’t ask anything.  She decided to wait to ask but she never got the chance, Malik went back out to sea for a long time and even when he returned she didn’t hear from him.  After a time she began to hear rumors that he had broken up with Luna.  Still he never called.  When she chanted he was still strong in her heart even though her brain kept trying to talk her out of it.

She wanted to try again.  I need to do something drastic. Saadi started working on a seduction card.  She pulled together images from their conversations, added colors, used some double meaninged floral phallics, a few key words and the card was near completion. 

She was putting on the final touches one Sunday evening when her mom dropped by.  This was a rare occasion.  Saadi took advantage of the time and they went out and sat on the front porch.  They laughed and giggled enjoying Sunday afternoon chitchat and gossip.  After a while the mosquitoes ran them inside.  It was just turning twilight, that purplish time when margins and images become slightly indiscernible.

The doorbell rang.  When Saadi went to the door Luna was standing there.  Saadi could only vaguely see the scowl on her face but she could feel Luna’s vehemence with all her fibers.  A voice inside told her not to open the screen door.  Luna called out and threatened her.  She spoke between gritted teeth, almost hissing.

“He belongs to me.  Leave him alone.  You cause bacchanal!”

Saadi’s last talk with Malik had been months ago.  Why was Luna up on her porch, up in her face wantin’ to get into somethin’?  For a moment Saadi’s mind went to the card she was working on. Luna couldn't have known about that.

“Luna I am not coming out there.  I don’t know what you’re upset about but you are definitely at the wrong door.”

“He belongs to me and you can’t have him,”  Luna glowered.

“I haven’t spoken to Malik in a long time.  I suggest you leave.”  Saadi spoke quietly but with force.  She didn’t want her mother to hear.

Her mother called out, “Saadi, is everything alright?”

When Luna heard Saadi’s mother, she stormed off the porch, she turned around on the steps and threw spears with her eyes, then she went to stand in the middle of the street. Saadi stood calm but firm.

“No Ma, nothing is wrong.  Everything is just fine.”  She said it loud enough so Luna would see she had no fear in her voice.  Her adrenaline was pumping.

Luna went to the car grabbed the door handle.  She looked like she would tear the door from its hinges.  “You fuckin’ whore,” she screamed.  Then she jumped in the car, slammed the door and screeched off just as the last moment of twilight gave way to darkness.

Saadi’s heart was racing but she still managed a chuckle, Fuckin’ Whore?  Excuse me!  Who did the fuckin’?  Okay, we love the same man.  To the victor go the spoils. Why you sweatin’ me?”

Saadi had never begrudged Luna for Malik choosing her.  Saadi knew Luna seduced him but she didn’t rape him.  He walked in willfully.  He made his choice.  However, Saadi also felt the life connection she and Malik had would outlast what she felt was their physical lust.  Then again there was always the possibility that he was in love with Luna and not Saadi.  But Saadi saw fear in Luna’s eyes.

He must have left her, hinted at leaving her?  Whatever had gone down between them Luna should not have taken it out on me.  Friends don’t do that to each other.  Not what Luna had done in the past with all the disrespect and not what she was doing right now.  Not friends, not sistas, not over a man!

I have been set free.  Maybe that is what Luna really wanted too and this was the only way she knew how to clear the slate between us.  Maybe I’m having more of an impact on Malik than I realized.  I’ll put the seduction card away for now.  I’ll wait.  The time is not right.  I will let them finish first.

Saadi’s mother brought her back, “Well, I am shocked, I never knew Luna could act like that.  She always seemed so quiet and soft spoken.”

“Well Ma, that was how she acted around you, that wasn’t the case with everyone else.  It appears that right now she’s very angry and apparently she’s angry with me, justified or not.  However, I haven’t seen or spoken to Malik for months.”  Not since the day they talked about her having the dreams about him.

“Maybe you need to leave this Malik alone?”

“No Ma, nobody’s going to chase me away from anywhere or anyone.  I leave when I’m good and ready to leave, not when someone tells me to go.”

Saadi thought about the seduction card that she was making for Malik. 

What Luna did was actually encouraging.  She said I need to stop messing up her relationship.  She said Malik belonged to her.  Something is definitely going on.  I wonder what sup?

Each day she chanted for his protection.  She heard he went to South Africa.  He had called Brutha Ibram.  Brutha Ibram thought it somewhat odd and wondered why he called.  It seems their conversation lost its connection right when he started to tell why he was calling.  Bruth Ibram asked Saadi if she knew why Malik had called. She could only guess, part of her hoping it was somehow connected to her.

Saadi knew that she still wanted to hear from him.  She still wanted to make love to him, to release some of the energy clogging her centers.  Release some of the tension from her stringent vision quest.  Most of all, she wanted to wish him well and hoped that he had not given up on his own quest to make his artwork his life work.  Maybe their life lesson, karmic exchange, had already been played out. Rumors abounded of his situation especially with Luna. It is better to leave rumors to rumors.

He was still in her prayers. Saadi went out to a pier off the waterfront in the neighborhood where Malik grew up.  They had spent time out there talking.  She stood on the pier looking out over the water.  She knew he was out there somewhere. He was still in her prayers, Nam myoho renge kyo, Nam myoho renge kyo, Nam myoho renge kyo.

Saadi had to turn her attention forward.  This stage of her vision quest had coincided with meeting Malik.  It had been a strict lesson.

I lost some excess baggage in the process and I was able to confront some of my fears, fear of close relationships with men and women, fear of losing myself in another person’s life, fear of being a person that gives up too soon when I really want something or someone, of not having the courage to fight for what I want or believe.


Realizations...